Master's Property IS Beautiful

"Tear off the mask. Your face is glorious."–Rumi

Journal- June 19, 2014

Written By: slave_nipples - Jun• 19•14

Alright, so i’ve been less focused that i’ve wanted to be lately. i’m really struggling with my depression, and in the process of getting my meds reevaluated. in short, i feel as though i’m failing terribly in everything right now. i’m crying over everything, and nothing. i’ve been too exhausted to stick to any semblance of a schedule. i go to class, come home, do what i need to around the house and collapse into a mindless heap of nothing until i have to do it all again the next day. putting that thought into words make me feel absolutely pathetic. but just like when i had to confess how i was feeling, i know i’m not allowed to keep these thoughts in my head. it’s not healthy. i’m still managing to get through my school days, it’s tough to plaster on the smile and get through it, but i’ve had years of practice and well, it’s kinda like riding a bike i guess… although the aftermath hits me harder these days since i’m not allowed to block things out anymore, and get easily overwhelmed with all this insane emotions i’ve had going on.

had josh’s bday dinner, had a couple bites of cake, but that’s all the junk food i had.

heading to bed before 11 tonight, i’m completely exhausted. dr. said i can’t cange my meds until meeting with her, so hopefully i can get an appointment when i call monday, tuesday or thursday morning, otherwise, i’ll need to wait until July 14th! i really don’t want to feel like this any longer than i need to. it’s kind of strange actually, because today, being focused on making sure Master was ok with His surgery, i feel fine, because i’ve had no time to think about anything. and other days to, when im not as busy, it’s very confusing. on my good days, i feel like a guilty whining bitch who is just making excuses, but then on my bad days, getting out of bed and pretending i’m capable of human interaction is all  i can manage, and it feels so utterly overwhelming and hopeless on those days. i dont understand how i can have two absolute opposite reactions to the same situations. there’s got to be something seriously wrong in this head of mine. at least when i felt strange for the kink that i’m into, it was ok, because i found it hot. now though, i feel like an inadequate psycho. i thought i was done dealing with this bullshit. my pills were doing their job and then of course, nothing good lasts. Sir said that i could have grown tolerant to it, which could be right, and i’m hoping that’s all it is. he said i have to listen to everything the dr tells me to do, which includes a counsellor if that’s what she suggests, i’m seriously against it, but since i dont get a vote and i know Master will agree with Sir on this one, i’m relying on the tried and tested cross my fingers method.

i tend not to write much when im in my really down headspace, but im going to try and work on that, since it does make me feel better to get it out of my head.

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